Source: Challenge from a Friend
Prompt: To use the 39 song lyric snippets she had posted and work them into a story... each of which I bold/italiced within the text of the story.
Instead, she heard a voice she wished she could ignore.
"Oh, Sweetheart, come on... come with me, let's get you tidied up a little before the rest of the family gets in."
"I am 'tidied', Mom."
"Okay, then let's just go splash a little cold water on your face. Tears are running, they're all running down your dress... and your friends, Baby, they treat you like a guest. Do you want people to remember you like this? We all need to be strong, it's what Gran would have wanted, don't you think?"
"Actually, I think Gran would want for us all to be truthful."
"Jessie..."
"What, Mom? What?? People are allowed to be sad sometimes, you know. Or do you know that? People were never meant to be emotionless robots! So what, if I'm crying! So what, if I feel like I'm empty and have nothing left! And so what, if Heaven forbid, someone might see me and feel slightly uncomfortable! Call me pathetic, call me what you will... but do NOT call on me to pretend, for your benefit, that everything is fine because nothing is fine and nothing will ever be fine again!"
"Honey," Jessie's mother allowed her voice to soften as she reached to gently stroke her daughters hair before she sat down in the chair next to her. "Honey, do you know what Gran's words were the very first second she saw you, all tiny and bundled just minutes minutes after you were born?"
Jessie could only manage a slight shake of her head as her lips trembled in trying to hold herself together.
"I remember lying there in that hospital bed, staring at you... this tiny bundle of hugeness that had me just absolutely frozen in terror. I was too terrified even to reach and touch you in case I somehow might have broken you. And then your Gran walked in. I'd never seen that look on her face before, so excited and relaxed and knowing all in this one look. She walked straight over to you and she reached to squeeze my hand as a tear rolled down her cheek. And then she picked you up, so easily. I remember wondering if I would ever be so confident because in only minutes of being a mother, your mother, I already felt so incompetent."
Jessie had constant tears rolling from her eyes as she listened and clung desperately to every word as she continued.
"I had expected her to move to the chair and sit with you... I had wanted her to. But she turned to me. She told me, 'She's a flower, I can paint her. She's a child of the sun." Then she lowered you into my petrified arms and she perched on the edge of the bed and she said, 'for the trees that we see can not forever breathe, with the changes we will confront'. I never really understood it but I always held onto it and now I think I might."
Jessie lifted her arm to wipe her tears back with her sleeve but stopped and took the tissue her mother offered instead... somehow fitting that it was a square of white, fluttering softly with the tremble of her fingers.
"Jess, I know you sometimes feel like I try to distance myself but Sweetie, I never mean to... I don't know why but it always seems I'm worse at what I do best, and for this gift I feel blessed. Sometimes I just find myself wanting to hold on so tight that I'm still afraid of breaking that tiny bundle I still see when I look at you. The line between holding you back and letting you grow is just a really hard one for me and I don't always know how to maneuver it. I don't want you to distance yourself from the pain. I don't want you to put on a happy face for show. All I want, is for you to stay that child of the sun that Gran loved so much."
Jessie reached for her mom then and for the first time she felt all of the hug that embraced her.
Eight months later...
That distance out there where the earth meets the sky, that's what she had her eye as she reached for the knob, turning the stereo louder and lost herself in the memories of song. Moving to the coast had been a decision of instinct and it had only been this moment when she knew, without doubt, the decision had been right. She had been frustrated and angry back home in Breckenridge and she didn't want to be that way any longer. There was no sense wasting wasting the time you got. You got to walk down every road. And, so she was, metaphorically anyhow. No more holding back, no painted facades for show, no broken... taped over to hide and as she pulled now into the small gravel driveway, she wondered how she had ever survived anywhere else. The smell of the ocean, the crashing of waves, the salty wind tickling her nose as she stepped out of the car and reached in to lift the grocery bags from behind the front seat. She heard him approach then and she turned to meet his smiling eyes unable to keep herself from grinning shyly like a nervous teenager and she was sure she had left those awful years far, far behind!
"Naked Saturday?"
"No Naked Saturday!" Jessie pushed the car door closed with her elbow.
"Come on, be a sport... it's too hot for clothes anyway; it'll be fun," he winked at her, "we have the whole ocean waiting right out front for us."
"Aaaaabsolutely not."
"Fine... have dinner with me instead." He reached to take the bags from her as she started toward the porch.
"When are you going to stop asking me out?"
"Probably never. Don't you know? I'm tied to your apron strings, and there's nothing that I can do or that I even want to do to change the fact. I'm already yours, just waiting on you to finally admit to it."
"I don't wear aprons, Clay."
"It was a reference."
"To what? A book on how to ask for a maidens hand in 1826??"
"Okay, so maybe not my best moment of reference but I was serious in a much deeper way, Jessie. Be real with me. Why won't you give me a chance?"
Jessie let out a soft sigh as she turned the key in the door lock then held the door for him as he carried the bags through. "Thanks," she said as she moved to help him set the heavy bags atop the counter.
Clay just nodded in response. He turned then to leave, "Remember, I'm just next door... y'know, for when you finally change your mind."
"I already have plans for dinner..."
"I was talking about Naked Saturday." And with another twinkle-filled, flashing wink he was gone.
"Sorry, Jess... Always a day late, a buck short. Man, I so have to get my shit together!"
Jessie couldn't help but smile as she looked up to see the ever-frazzled face of her friend and business partner, Laine, as she burst through the shop door with the force of a hurricane mixed with life in the sunshine and moved to help her with the armload of fabrics she had obviously underestimated.
"Here, let me help you... you're stumbling a little... Geez, what'd you have in your coffee this morning?" Jessie asked with a giggle.
"Yeah... funny. Here, this is the one causing all the upset," Laine nodded to the wobbling orange bolt about to make it's drop. "I picked them up from Post on my way home last night; look at this one," she reached to pluck the speckled purple from the midst of the messily deposited pile, "it'll be perfect for your new peplum vest design!"
"It is perfect! I Was worried about the drape when I ordered it but it really is... perfect! Come one, let's get these sorted so we can get to the fun part of actually bringing designs to life!"
Sitting quietly on the hard park bench overlooking the busy boardwalk and sipping her afternoon-break tea, Jessie couldn't help but wonder of the rush that played out before her day and day again. She realized, maybe for the first time, that there's a rhythm in rush these days, where the lights don't move and the colours don't fade. Leaves you empty with nothing but dreams in a world gone shallow, in a world gone lean. Watching the people burst by, never glancing up from their cell screens, she thought of a passage she'd read just that morning. 'In this time when our planet it is gettin' too warm give thanks, give a smile and take a look 'round. We're of this earth and of this earth we can be so proud.'
"I ask you now: What does this mean? Are all these problems just in my mind? Are they even problems, at all? Or is it just that we're not present enough in this reality. How many of us really do give thanks?" she had unknowingly whispered these words aloud and was startled when an answer actually found her ears.
"Actually, I think most do, even if they don't always even realize they're doing it."
"OH..." Jessie jumped slightly in her surprise as she turned to see a slightly older man with eyes of complete warmth and kindness shining down on her.
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to startle you."
"No, that's okay! I um, I guess I didn't realize I actually said that out loud," Jessie glanced down in her embarrassment.
The man motioned to the empty bench space beside her, "Would you mind if I join you?"
"Of course not... please do..."
Together they sat in comfortable silence for a few moments.
Finally, Jessie turned to look at him. "What did you mean by that?" she asked. "When you said people give thanks without realizing."
He smiled then and the warmth of his gaze comforted her in ways she hadn't even known she'd been in need of.
"I just meant that thankful comes in many forms. Some thank out loud with words and some thank out loud with actions. Even just the slightest sigh of relief is an offering of thanks though the one who sighs might not even be aware of their own soft offer of thanks."
Jessie nodded.
"Sometimes even just good old fashioned recognition is thanks enough. I mean I recognize my health, things that I've been dealt, places that I've roamed, feelings I've had, things that I know... and really, even just in the simple act of recognizing, truly recognizing all of it, I'm already offering thanks."
"I think you might just be right... Guess I just wasn't looking in at quite the right angle."
"Go easy on yourself, Girl," he winked knowingly at her, "I've had a few more years of watchin'n'figurin' than you have." He liked that his words and wink had brought such smile to her face. "You know, someone once said... 'If you drive a car, I'll tax the street. If you try to sit, I'll tax your seat. If you get too cold, I'll tax the heat. If you take a walk, I'll tax your feet.' He watched her mind working and smiled softly at her reply.
"But I'm thankful anyway. Thankful to have a safe and reliable car. Thankful to have safe and comfortable places to sit. Thankful for the ability to turn on the heat... or the cool when needed. Thankful for a healthy body with the strength to walk, even on those days I might think I'd prefer just to lay and disappear."
He nodded at her before leaning back to rest his arm easily over and across the back of the bench, lessening the open space between them.
Jessie turned to glance over the bustling boardwalk once more, hoping to spy just one person in the moment rather than in their phone and asked him, "Do you think it'll ever slow down? Life, I mean?"
She waited but he didn't answer. She was afraid to turn but she did turn... and she was alone again. She turned and looked all around for any sign of him but she found none. He had disappeared as quickly as he had appeared to her and although she had not the slightest of explanation, she somehow left that bench knowing she now had all the explanation she would ever actually need, and more. Her heart had lifted in his presence just as it had so brutally sunk in his leaving. She felt the burning tears threatening to fall in his absence but instead, she stood and turned back toward the shop in gratefulness that she'd shared time with him at all.
"Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?"
"What? No." Jessie looked quizzically over to Laine as she leaned forward to theatrically collapse across the cutting table.
"Are you? And also... what the heck are you talking about?"
"I don't know, I think it's just been a really long day. What do you say we skedaddle on out of here and mosey on down along the beach?"
"It's only three-thirty."
"So tell me, who makes the rules? Who decides what happens in this shop?" She paused. "Hmm? Well?"
"We do."
"Exactly! So c'mon, let's ditch early."
Jessie shook her head, "Nah, you go ahead; I'm kinda in-the-zone with this one, I just want to get a little more done," she smiled and turned her focus back to the waiting dress form, pins at the ready as she set to bringing her vision to reality.
Laine let out a long sigh... "Fine!!! Guess I'll just get some more work done too, then! Seriously, why do you have to be such a sickeningly good influence?!!" She set her scissors down and moved over to take hold of the flap of fabric Jessie had been trying to hold as well as pin. "Okay, I consider this 'working'... now tell me, what's happening with Clay these days?"
"Nothing is happening with Clay. He's my neighbour and my friend and that's all."
"Yeah, your GORGEOUS neighbour, your even GORGEOUSER friend and he's entirely in love with you!"
Jessie rolled her eyes and continued pinning, "Gorgeouser? That's not even a word."
"Whatever. But seriously, Jess, why won't you even give him a chance? Do you really want to be alone for your whole life?"
"I'm not alone."
"Having friends is great but keeping yourself from what could be so much more... well, I just don't think it's healthy. Look at you, you're beautiful and smart and you're just full of so much more than you even realize. I just wish you could see what the rest of us see, Jess."
Jessie looked at Laine as she reached out to take the shoulder flap from her. "Look," she finally said, "it isn't that I purposely keep myself from anything, it's just that I... I don't know, I just always feel so awkward around him. I trip over my words, I drop things, I bump into things... I'm just not good at that kind of stuff."
"So, you do like him!"
"Didn't you want to leave early, or something?" Though she tried, she couldn't hide the heated blushing that crept over her.
"Fine, I'll drop it... for now. I'm gonna run and get us some coffee since it looks like we're in for another long day." She turned and reached to pull her purse from behind the main desk before starting toward the door. "Oh shoot!" she said as the rigid courier envelope caught on her purse strap and fell to the floor. She bent to retrieve it and held it out to Jessie on her way past, "I completely forgot! This came for you while you were outside earlier."
Jessie reached out, a little tentatively, for the envelope, "Thanks."
"M-hm... I'll be back in a few."
Jessie moved to sit behind the desk upon seeing her mothers handwriting. She quickly set the envelope down and started to stand before stopping herself. She sat and stared at the bright, glossy white as it shone in the overhead fluorescents, willing herself to pull it closer. Slowly, she lifted and pulled the cardboard zipper to find the flat white envelope tucked within, stuck to it was a bright green sticky note that read 'Gran had written this for you... Found it while closing up the house yesterday. Call me when you can. Love, Mom.' Her eyes began to fill as her shaking fingers fought to gently open the seal and pull the crisp sheet filled with her Gran's handwritten love.
Dear Jessie,
Well I'm packing my things in my bag today and I'm not so certain that I'll ever have chance to un-pack them. I know exactly what you would have said to me if I were to have spoken the words before you left after our tea this afternoon, which is the very reason I am choosing instead to write them. Sometimes we just know things, Child, and I know that it's time for our goodbye.
I know how you hate goodbyes. Goodbyes are never easy and I hope you'll know how I wish I could soften the hurt for you, how I wish I could stay and save you the pain that I already feel in having to leave you behind for awhile. But my greatest wish is only that you will finally let yourself find the joy that you were meant for. I want for you never to dwell on the goodbyes you have lived your life so afraid of, even in the first hellos. I wish for you to live and love and open yourself to the world that waits... for you. With your feet on the air and your head on the ground, try this trick and spin it, yeah, because somersaults are always the way to know. Whether it's your heart, your mind or your soul asking the question, you only need to feel the tumbling, good or bad, to be sure of what's right. Try not to worry so much about what might happen and let yourself enjoy what can be.
I remember when you were little and I would pick you up every Saturday morning to go for breakfast and then to play at the park. I especially remember the year you were seven and were so fascinated with those old Supremes records we found in the attic when you helped me finally let go of Grampa's things. I don't know if I would have found my way out of that darkness without you bursting unexpectedly into every room singing 'she said love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take...' at the top of your lungs and dancing your heart out just to make me smile; I can still hear you as though it were just yesterday. Keep singing it, Sweetheart, because as long as there'll be music, we'll be comin' back again. Keep singing the song that you kept my broken heart full with so yours can fill again. And for Heaven's sake, Child, open that full heart and let somebody in! Let somebody know you because when somebody knows you well, well there's no comfort like that.
All my love,
Gran
Jessie wiped back her tears with her shirtsleeve and was tucking the note inside her purse just as Laine returned. "Come on," she said as she reached for her friends arm, turning her back toward the door, "coffee on a windy beach sounds perfect right about now!"
These nights never seem to go to plan, Jessie thought to herself as she leaned back against the outside of her car... after accidentally locking her keys inside of it. Honestly, God, I ask you now: What does this mean? Are all these problems just in my mind? Do I really make life this hard on myself?? I think I might need a little help here... I'm counting sheep but running out and I don't know how to even begin finding the ones I've lost. "I'm serious here," she said aloud in her sudden frustration, "anything??"
"Need a lift?"
It was Joe, the man that owned the sporting goods storefront next door to her and Laine who had snapped her from her self-annoyed thoughts.
"Oh, thanks Joe, but I'm okay, I just called a locksmith," she held out her cell before setting it atop the car hood beside her.
"Okay. I'll just wait with you, then." He moved to lean easily back against the car with her.
"You don't have to wait with me, I'll be fine."
"Yes, you will be," he replied gently.
Jessie smiled up at him then and finally felt at complete ease as together they chatted easily in their wait.
The setting sunlight streamed in through the kitchen windows tinting all it touched in softened tones of comforting golds and reds. Rinsing out her coffee cup, Jessie realized, for maybe the first time, that she was tired. She was tired of pushing, tired of fighting to stay alone. She knew exactly the reason she kept anyone she might actually grow to care about from getting too close and she also knew her reason was ridiculous. Still, she kept on pushing. So many years of self-sentenced fear had become a reality that she just didn't want to have to admit. But maybe it was time to do just that. She glanced out the window to see Clay as he lounged easily on the beach, watching out over water tinged purple in the darkening. She dried her hands and pushed again, only this time, she was pushing herself forward.
Jessie loved the feel of the sand filling in between her bare toes as she buried and unburied her feet in the softness.
Clay has felt, more than heard her approach and his own heart lifted in her closeness
"Do you ever feel like you did everything wrong, Clay?"
He turned to Jessie as she lowered herself to sit beside him on the sand and watched as her eyes glazed over in thoughts he couldn't reach. He wanted to ask, he wanted to know but all he did know, for sure, was that if he spoke, she would stop.
"Sometimes it all just feels wrong, like I've made nothing but mistakes. And all my friends have settled down, become their mothers and their fathers without a sound... except for Cathy. She bought a one-way subway ticket and left us all behind." She reached to brush away the soft tears that had pooled and begun to overflow her eyes. "She was so sure, you know? She just... had that thing, that knowing. She just had it all figured out. No fear, no hesitation, she just knew. She knew... and then she did."
Jessie paused, focused for a moment on the heavy waves crashing purposefully onto the shore before obediently receding back.
Clay watched close her struggle as she freed herself to him. He lay open palmed to her world and invitation, at last, had been opened to him in return.
"Cathy didn't have the easiest time in school, or at home. She was smart, though, and she was the best friend I ever knew. She gave the commencement address at our graduation ceremony... I remember every word she said: 'We've been gifted this day and in it, we need to breathe. But how does that feel? How does it feel like, to breathe with everything? We've spent so many years here in this school together. I have felt, and I know we all, at times, have felt so deeply buried that breathing seemed impossible. But we didn't stop. I didn't stop. I will not stop. I won't be made useless, won't be idle with despair. I wish for all of you to know that you deserve the world that waits for us. Let's all go out and experience and I mean REALLY experience everything that this life can offer us. Let's run together into the new world that awaits screaming HERE WE ARE NOW, ENTERTAIN US! We've been gifted this day and I, for one, I'll hold on to this gift we share, it is as slippery as it is rare and I will refuse to let it slip. Don't give up on any dream and promise yourself that you'll stay true, that you'll never let anyone dull your shine because if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth. So I urge you to stay you, that's the toughest thing to do... We've been gifted this day.'"
She turned to look at him then and somewhere in the warmth of his eyes was the truth she had been searching for.
"We were in for the biggest changes of our lives back then but it still seemed all somehow, just so easy. So, do you ever wish you could could go back and do things right, Clay?"
"I don't know," he shrugged his shoulders as he reached for her hand, winding his fingers gently between hers. "I think some things you can't go back to 'cause you let them slip away... but I also don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. Still, it's hard, hard to see fragile lives, shattered dreams, promise without resolve."
It was her turn then, to watch his eyes glaze in thought and she realized just how much she had already missed. The soft-setting sun danced, flickering through his watch as he slowly focused solely into her own. And then she stood and reaching her hand outward, urged him to follow.
"Come with me. Let's go out and feel the night..."
